how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
