I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
