ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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