if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
