My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
