JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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