brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
is wine microwaveable?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
