He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
