Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
