you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
