Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just gift wrapped bread.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
