Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
