dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
