my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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