I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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