ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
