jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My feet surprised me
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
