You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
