Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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