im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
