I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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