If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
