Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
