grandma shit on top of the toilet
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
