That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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