rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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