grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
