hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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