And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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