If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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