You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
you made out with another girl for some wings
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
