i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
