I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
