they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
