So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
