Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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