i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
