I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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