So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
