A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Pants 0. Shit 1.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
