His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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