Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
