im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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