You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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