I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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