I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
