remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
