maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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