He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
