seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
one might say we're banned from that church
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
