some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
