In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
