I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
